How Not To Get A Job pt.2

Following the recent trouble with the hacking of PSN (PlayStation Network), Tiffany Jacobs applies for the job of Online Engagement Manager for the UK’s branch of Sony Computer Entertainment Europe.

Good morning/evening/brunch,

I am writing to apply for the Online Engagement Manager’s position that I recently saw online. The mere fact that I saw it online means that I am obviously a good choice for an Online Engagement Manager. I managed to get engaged once to my boyfriend Hank, but after a while he decided that I was too high maintenance and kicked me to the curb. Please allow me to tell you a bit about myself, as I’m sure you’re all keen to know.

I, like many Americans, was born in the USA, where computers were first invented in the late 1990′s by Bill Gates. But you know that. I got my first computer (an AMSTRAD) at the age of 7. It had the cassette tape games and the loading times were approximately 25 mins to 3 hours, which is around the same time that it takes to download a 3MB update from your network on my crappy internet connection.

Since then I have become an avid gamer. My favourite games are World of Warcraft, Super Mario Bros and Wii Fit (obviously). I also have that new movement sensor thing for my 360. I have never owned a Playstation, as the controllers are too small for my large hands. When the rumble pack is on it’s like trying to hold an injured pigeon. I had considered grafting my fingers to the buttons onto the controller so I could play with ease and then buy a PS3, but initial tests proved fruitless, and I was thrown out of my local branch of GAME for getting superglue on their stock.

Despite these set-backs, I believe that I would be perfect for the job. Here’s why:

I believe to be as competitive as your offered salary, provided the competition is tired from Zerg-rushing Japanese kids online at 3am.

I own an iPhone, which as you know is the pinnacle of gaming technology. I even have Doom on it. It’s awesome.

My last job was as game tester for a well-known jigsaw company, and it was my job to remove one piece from each box, in the top-right, so anyone who planned on framing the puzzle upon completion would find it as irritating as finding out that their credit card details have been hacked into on some gaming network.

I haven’t attached a CV, as I’m confident enough that you will snap me up for the job. I have enclosed a picture of me playing my favourite game, Simon’s Quest on the NES.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Peace out,

Tiff. xxx

I haven’t heard back yet, but I’d expect that my application is now sitting on some hacker’s hard drive.

UPDATE 11/05/11 from an aggravated “Tiffany”

Dear ‘Tiffany’

I find it quite galling that you would use my picture in various job-applications, as well as my real name.

You clearly know a lot about me, my gaming habits, where I was born and all about my somewhat fractured relationship with Hank.

While I understand that you are clearly a confused and broken soul, I want you to know that if I get any more emails or phonecalls from various lawyers I will be passing on your contact details to them, as quite frankly I am sick of being sued by ‘the hands guy’ from the Nintendo picture, or ‘red bikini taking off the bottoms girl’. Although I am a little pleased that she contacted me, as it made Hank be quite friendly to me in order to get at my converted Amstrad.

Agitated;

Tiffany Jacobs

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